Alone

Who can I trust. What is the world without having friends. ComPanions. Someone to love. Ill tell you what it is.. It's fucking miserable. It's my life at the moment, I have absolutely no idea who I can trust, I've never felt so empty in my life. Just.. Numb. Noone would care if I disappeared. I've never considered it so much until now. I'd be so much happier alone, noone to have to trust, noone to backstab to me. Yes it would be lonely but atleast I'd be more certain of myself. I don't even know myself anymore. Im not me anymore. I'm just.. Empty. Just alone. I need help. And I need it soon.. Or this may be my last ever blog.. Forever.

last straw.

i havent wrote in awhile, i guess i thought i was strong enough to not need to. But im weaker than ever. He's changed, he's not my little man anymore. He's this arrogant, self centred man who i just dont understand. He calls me names swears at me, ignores me, puts other girls infront of me. I cant understand it. I cant understand how i can give up my life, put everything on hold, do anythign possible to make someone happy.. and i can just suddenly mean so little so someone. It feels like a part of me is missing. A part of me has just died, i feel so alone. Theres noone to talk to, noone to listen, noone to tell me its going to be alright.. but to be honest i wouldnt believe them anyway, because its not going to be alright. Im scared that if i disappeared noone would notice im gone, and sometimes i feel like seeing if that happens. I sometimes wish i could go away, go away to a place where noone knew me or my problems, i sometimes feel like standing on the edge of a cliff and pulling myself away from the edge, just so i feel slightly more strong. Im not the same person, i used to be so strong, so powerful.. so me. But im nothing now. Theres a pit in the middle of my stomach which is slowly swallowing all the happiness i used to feel like a blackhole. I wish i could go back to how it used to be and see where he first started changing, and just stop it. I just need the old him back.. i need some help. I need someone to help me through it all and its him who i need. But he's not there and he wont be there ever again. I don't mean anything to him anymore, im just a nobody to him. Theres nothing for me to live for, i have nothing that makes me happy, no reason to get up in the mornings, just.. im empty. Im just waiting for the day when it gets too much for me. Its only a matter of time.

Out of control

This paranoia isnt normal. I shouldnt be up at night worrying about every little move he makes.
But if you saw how he now is.. you'd do the same.
He doesn't look at me the same way, he doesnt consider how his actions will make me feel. I haven't been called beautiful in months, i may sound needy and pathetic.. but it just gets to me..
This girl.. shes nice. She has a boyfriend. She's always there. calling him her best friend.. him saying it back.
He used to say that to me.
"your my girlfriend and my best friend" he used to say with pride. Now look at it. Hardly a second glance. It's like he craves something, i don't know what, but something that other girls can give him and i cant.
She doesnt know anything that i do, she doesnt help him in anyway that i do.. so whats so special about her that she can replace me? What's so special about her that she can make me feel second best? Did i forget to mention.. she's his ex girlfriend.
I know he won't cheat. But that doesn't stop the burning feeling in my heart i get when he says her name. When i sign online and i see her name net to his in his online name.
That doesn't stop the part of my heart dying when i hear her name roll off his tongue.
She's not spiteful. She's not trying to hurt me. And neither is he. But somehow.. that makes me hurt even more.
The thing is..
he'll never see this. Or any of my posts. So im here alone, trying to control myself with a blog, but lets be honest..
im out of control.

emptiness

some girl kissed him. Some narrow minded, pathetic, disgusting, simple minded, chavvy little girl, who has NO IDEA what she has done!
this is a way of letting out my anger
letting out my devastion my hurt, everything that is making me want to go to sleep and never wake up.
i just want to wake up and it to all be over :/

The reason.

I needed a way of releasing. A way of throwing all my anger out of my system without offending the people close to me. This is why i created my blog.
Im a teenager with more worries and stresses than Gordon Brown on steroids.
A family who are work-aholics.
A brother at university.
A boyfriend who is constantly lying to me.. yet ive been with him for over a year.. which for my age group is like completing the marathon.
Today was another lie. Talking to a girl that i am once again jealous of.
The thing about me is, im the most jealous person you'll ever meet.. but i stand by the theory that being jealous shows you care and you're scared of losing someone or something.
I wish i wasnt. But im not going to like the fact some girl is saying my boyfriends amazing. Because he is.. but only to me. I know thats obsessive.. and jealous.. but thats me.
When i love something i want it to stay.
So thats why im here. Because im tired of crying. Im tired of being scared to tell him i know incase it causes an argument.. i know this wont stop the arguments.. possibly cause more.. but i need to get away from it and release.
So thats it.. my first post :)
ive probably not done this right.. but ive released everything inside of me and now i feel..weightless?
<3